How 2: "Girl"

Battle of the Moisturizers: Contestant #4 Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion+

Posted on October 13, 2015 Updated on October 14, 2015

I am beginning to feel as though I have flung myself haphazardly into a cosmetic maelstrom of chaos and knocked my entire equilibrium astray into a violent quasar. Toners and serums and essences and masks and exfoliators and wipes and LETS TRY ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW! Yeah, that was smart.

At this point, my skin is so pissed off that it would break up with me if it could. Our relationship hasn’t been this tumultuous since high school when I had to slather myself in those super acne fighting pads that were so alcoholic they gave you a contact high.

Right now all I want is to NOT look like a pizza-faced 13 year old.

I have to be honest, even at $87 for 1.5oz, LUSH’s Gorgeous is starting to look reeeeally good right about now. Things were so simple between us. After a quick spray with some Tea Tree Water, I’d put it on – my face would smell like tortillas- and that would be it. No acne, no drama, no sacrificing of a small goat. But those were the halcyon days, before the makeups and serums and weird products from other worlds. Before I bought my very own domain and decided to pretend to be a fancy beauty blogger and bribe my friends and family to read the boring shit I have to say about lip stains and Kool-aid. But I digest…

Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more.

(Srsly tho, how many beauty bloggers out there quote Richard III? I’m so fancy)

Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion+

“A luxurious moisturizer that promotes smooth, healthy-looking skin.” – I sure as hell hope so Clinique, I am in no mood. If I so much as hear the word “chelator” from you…

Cost = $26 US

Size = 4.2 fl oz

Extended cost (Cost / Size) = $6.19/oz

Estimated cost per application = $0.12

• Dermatologist-developed formula combines all-day hydration with skin-strengthening ingredients to help skin look younger, longer.
• Helps strengthen skin’s own moisture barrier by 54%, so more moisture stays in.

Thank god, I only have two claims to confirm/debunk. Kind of phoning it in on this one…

Dermatologist-developed formula combines all-day hydration with skin-strengthening ingredients to help skin look younger, longer. – Hydrating and Strengthening? Sure, okay. We’ve got Glycerin which is hydroscopic (meaning it hordes water wherever it can find it) and when combined with other oils is a “cornerstone” of many moisturizers.

FUN FACT: If you’re ever suffering from increased eye pressure for whatever reason and rush yourself to the ER because your eyeball is about to pop out of your head, you will probably be given sweetened glycerin orally because it will suck all the water out of your bulging eye. You may also be given a glycerin suppository if you’re constipated because it will horde all the moisture in your lower intestine and piss off the mucus glands down there and then… well… have fun with that.

We’ve also got petrolatum (petroleum jelly), and sesame oil which is also apparently a skin conditioning agent? This may also be why Clinique chose to give this product a yellow color? But it actually gets its yellow color from Yellow 6 (Sunset Yellow FCF), Yellow 5 (Tartrazine), and Red 33 (D&C Red 33). Both those yellows suck, by the way. Yellow 6 is banned or restricted as a food additive in Norway, Finland and Sweden. And Yellow 5 causes the most allergic and intolerance reactions of all the azo dyes, particularly among asthmatics and those with an aspirin intolerance. Symptoms from tartrazine sensitivity can occur by either ingestion or cutaneous exposure to a substance containing tartrazine. Like, I don’t know, using a moisturizer that has it on your face?

“Helps strengthen skin’s own moisture barrier by 54%, so more moisture stays in.” – We’ve got glyceryl stearate and urea which are both softening lubricants that slow the loss of water by forming a barrier on your skin. Also Cucumber extract which DOES NOT soothe irritation like everyone’s grandmother thinks, its just a skin conditioner.

In addition to these we’ve got your typical preservatives (Hey there, Trisodium EDTA!) and quite a few PH balancers like Triethanolamine.

IMPORTANT FACT: If you are vegan, or are avoiding products that contain animal by-products in them, be advised that this moisturizer has Lanolin Alcohol in it. It is a mix of organic alcohols obtained from the hydrolysis (that’s when you break a molecular bond using water) of lanolin. You know how your hair gets oily if you don’t wash it for a few days? Lanolin is the sheep version of that oil. It’s a sebaceous excretion that is washed out of the wool that is sheared off sheep.

To + or not to +?

TWO Shakespeare references in one blog post? I’m too worldly for this $hit. So, the Dramatically Different Moisturizer’s original formula released in 1968 was reformulated in 2014, that’s when it earned it’s “+.” The reformatting was supposedly to include age and environmental defense – this means anti-wrinkle and anti-oxidant stuff. But apparently they just threw in some soothing agents and skin-repairing Sodium Hyaluronate.

Sodium Hyaluronate is the sodium salt of hyaluronic acid, which is the super-lubricating stuff found in your joints and also in your eyeballs. Your skin has a lot of this stuff when you’re young (it gives your skin volume because it retains water), but levels decline with age. Dermatologists will inject this stuff straight into your skin as an anti-aging treatment.

So that accounts for the anti-aging claim, but wheres the antioxidants to combat those free-radicals causing environmental damage? The only potential antioxidant I found in the ingredient list was barley extract. I say “potential” because the sources I found weren’t really sure if it even works as an antioxidant. I’m so impressed (<- sarcasm).

In Conclusion…

I didn’t hate it and I didn’t love it – but I have to give this guy credit, it didn’t trash my face. AND I dig the $0.12 an application price tag. I’d even discussed this with my mother as she’d thought the $26 price tag was a little steep, but compared to some of the other moisturizers I’ve been testing, this guy is downright affordable.

I’m also trying out a new way of applying moisturizer, because apparently there is all sorts of ritualistic crap about skincare that they don’t teach you in English undergrad or whatever. You’re not supposed to rub in moisturizer, you’re supposed to “pat” it in. You know, like an itchy weave. I watched a few videos on youtube by SignatureSeries and this one detailed the voo-doo technique of patting in moisturizer. There are a lot of other how-to videos on this – some saying to rub it in, some saying pat it, some saying you apply it with the tip of your magic wand… but the lady in the video I linked is wearing a lab coat and that makes me feel comfortable believing in everything she says.

Call me crazy, but I noticed an immediate difference in the effect of this moisturizer when I went from rubbing to patting it in like the lady in the video. All of a sudden my skin ate it and wasn’t so greasy afterwards.

I’d say right now this guy stands at a solid 2nd place after Gorgeous.

Sources

http://www.cosmeticsandtoiletries.com/

http://www.paulaschoice.com/

http://www.ewg.org/

http://swiftcraftymonkey.blogspot.com/

http://www.webmd.com/