Star Wars Covergirl Lipstick – a Review and Rant
A long time ago, in a house not that far from here my parents sat me down at the tender age of…like, 5 or something… and told me that there were 3 movies I needed to see in order to grow up to be a decent human being. Those movies were Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, and 6. We watched one each night for 3 nights and they introduced me to a fantasy world that would make a huge impact on my life. And they were extra careful to point out important parts –
“Marina, pay attention! Yoda is about to die.”
“Which ones Yoda?”
“The little green guy.”
“Why is he dying?”
“Um… because hes old.”
10 seconds later
“… well, is he dead yet?”
And from that point on, I was a different kind of person. When all the other girls played pretend and were princesses, I wanted to be Luke Skywalker (or Eleanor Ripley from Alien, but that’s a different blog post – still waiting on that makeup).
Fast forward 22 years later (UGH, i’m old) and you can still see the it. I have an Alliance Starbird decal on the back window of my car, at least three dozen Star Wars shirts in my closet, and an autographed re-print of the original Hildebrandt poster for A New Hope. I’ve got Star Wars Legos, Star Wars socks, Star Wars video games, Star Wars Jewelry, Star Wars head phones, Star Wars key chains, Star Wars pajamas, and am even planning a design for a Star Wars tattoo.
And up until now, all that stuff was really hard to come by, especially as a female. 99% of the Star Wars shirts in my collection came from the men’s clothing section. Earrings were impossible to find unless I ordered them off Etsy, and I couldn’t tell you how excited i’d be if I could find a nice pair of Star Wars underwear. Like… the womens kind.
Star wars has just never been something that has been marketed towards women, which really sucks because I know A LOT of women who love Star Wars – and there is nothing wrong with that. Star Wars isn’t an exclusively masculine thing. Being a Jedi isn’t something only little boys should be interested in. And no, just because I am a girl doesn’t mean I want to play Princess Leia – f$#k you and your metal bikini.
I know it doesn’t pass the Bechdel test, but we all can’t be Mad Max, can we? Its like the entire fandom has ignored half it’s audience based on gender… until now.
STAR WARS MAKEUP, EVERYBODY!
Thank the maker! We have been acknowledged! Its like they know i’m a real person! A real person with a Boba Fettish and an innate desire to paint my lips different colors! Oh, you should have seen me when I spotted the display at Target. I’d been looking for weeks with no success, but that day I felt a disturbance in the force as I lurked in the dollar spot. I zeroed in on the display, and it was over –
“EXCUSEMEYESPLEASEINEEDALLOFTHESETHANKYOU! These ARE the lipsticks I am looking for. You don’t need to see my identification. MOVE ALONG!”
From the second I first saw the announcement from Covergirl on the internet, I had high expectations. This is my whole childhood they’re messing with here. Thinking of all the color possibilities and names had me super excited and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on them.
I was thinking Amidala reds, Vader blacks, ewok nudes, X-wing orange, maybe even a twi’lek green or blue? They had so much to choose from and such great potential for color choices and names! Surely they couldn’t screw it up… right?
…Right, you guys?
You know how everyone was super stoked when Episode 1 came out, and then we got one glance at Jar Jar Binks and heard the word “midichlorians,” and everyone threw up in their mouths? Yeah, that’s how I felt when I saw what Covergirl had to show for the Star Wars license they probably paid so much for.
I’m sorry, but what the f$*k is this?
Covergirl… ha-…have you even seen Star Wars?
WHAT THE F$*K IS THIS $H!T?!
What we have here is the 6 piece line up of lipsticks that Covergirl “partnered with celebrity makeup artist Pat McGrath” to create. I don’t care who this nerf herder is, but I wouldn’t trust him to pull the ears off a gundark. 4 out of the 6 shades in this collection are utterly unwearable. And you want to know the names for the colors?
Silver 10, Lilac 20, Red 30, Gold 40, Purple 50, and Nude 70.
I CAN’T EVEN – WHAT THE – THE NUMBERS DONT EVEN MAKE SENSE! YOU SKIPPED 60! WHY? WHAT. THE. F&*K!
Allow me to model them for you…
I’m so sad, Covergirl. So very, very sad. As I swatched these I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of fangirls suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. This formula is not opaque or long-lasting. I feel like going with these light, metalic colors was a horrible move. I tried REALLY hard to get them to be opaque and make something of them. I slathered myself in primer and even tried putting a concealer over my lips to see if i could bring out the color more, but that resulted in a muddy, depressing mess.
Some have suggested using the lighter colors over darker shades for effect, but with the way this formula wears it would end up all muddled and you’d have to re-apply almost every half hour. You could literally sneeze this stuff off.
I’ll give credit to the darker red and purple shades. they do have some staining power and the metalic coolness of them makes them very unique, but these will be the only two shades that get to stay on my bathroom counter. The others get frozen in carbonite and banished to my linen closet of makeup fails and crushed dreams.
You’ve failed me for the last time, Covergirl…
Except you haven’t because next I’ll be showing you the Star Wars nail polish they came out with as well! Will they be in any way redeeming? We’ll find out next time…
How 2: "Girl" 