The Battle of the Moisturizers

Posted on September 6, 2015 Updated on September 6, 2015

Apparently moisturizers are important. Very important. So much so that there’s a gazillion of them and they can cost an obscene amount of money. The only piece of cosmetic advice my grandmother ever gave me is “be sure you’re moisturizing every night,” and my childhood was awash with the smells of Neutrogena and Aveeno facial moisturizer with SPF – my mother wore that stuff religiously, rain or shine. The combination of her painfully fair and delicate complexion and my father’s invincible olive skin of the gods has left my face very confused.

So when I started running dangerously low on my current weapon of choice (LUSH’S Vanishing Cream ), I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something out there that was better for me. Something magical and medicinal and … slightly cheaper perhaps, and I decided to embark on a journey. A journey full of countless little tinctures of what is essentially silicone and plant goop. A journey to bring justice to those who adorn their product in a veil of empty promises, and vindication to those whose promises are kept. An adventure where in I, not unlike Magellan, will circumvent the vast sea of modern cosmetics and do battle with their exotic ingredients, their clever marketing, and their outrageous claims.

I have many names… the most legal one being Marina (Hello!), and in the ripe old age of my late 20’s, with my career obtained and a tiny disposable income at the ready, I have decided to learn…

How to : “Girl.”

So come, be the Lewis to my Clarke – the Spock to my Kirk – the Chewie to my Han as we brave the depths of modern femininity and document our failures epically. We start at the most basic level, the foundation of the foundation (that’ll be a whole ‘nother post, i’m sure), the moisturizer.

And like any journey, one of the most important things you need is a map –

Sexy. And, like I said – confused. In my research I have discovered that my skin situation is what is referred to as “combination.” I fit under the great miscellaneous category  of “well… you’re screwed.” My eyelids could provide enough crude to power a small town in Texas, my chin is a sebum-filled minefield dwarfed only by the no man zone that is my nose, and my jawline is dryer than the British version of “The Office.” It is because I have so many things going on that I don’t have a lot of faith that there is going to be a single product capable of addressing all my issues, but ain’t nobody got time to use two different moisturizers on their face. I got sh*t to do.

As I mentioned before, the product I have been using for the last year is Vanishing Cream by LUSH. Its pretty safe to say that I know a little but about LUSH’s products, when it comes to moisturizers alone I have also used Imperialis , Full of Grace, Enzymion, and Gorgeous. The problem is none of them have every wowed me… except for Gorgeous.

This thing is allegedly “the finest quality moisturizer on the market.” A whole mess of cold-pressed, organic oils from a large list of things that sound like they’d taste pretty good in a salad together go into this puppy. Its reportedly great for every skin type, age, tone, whatever. I’ve sampled it extensively and I really like it. Its light, it makes my skin feel fresh and clean and elasticky and young, it smells kind of like tortillas (its supposed to be orange blossom scented, don’t ask me why my nose translates orange blossom into tortillas, its probably brain cancer), and its wonderful and I love it. Its apparently the cold pressed part that makes it so effective… and expensive.

How expensive, you ask? 1.5 ounces will run you $89.95 US + tax. That’s right, $60 an ounce! I can’t do it, I just can’t. There are so many other things I could do with $90 bucks. That’s gas for a month (I don’t get out much). That is A LOT of yarn. That’s 22.5 lattes. 13 Publix Deli subs. I could get TWO new Filofaxes with $90! (Oh, more on those later)

But I am not sure its worth it. Can a bunch of plant oils, some emulsifiers, and preserving parabens all mixed together really be the absolute best thing for me? And can 1.5 ounces of it really be worth more than I made in a whole week while I was working in college, all because the oils are “cold pressed?” Imma find out.

Now, I’ve got nothing against LUSH. I basically have a mini-LUSH store in my bathroom, its a problem. If it turns out that Gorgeous is better than everything else – great, and i’ll know EXACTLY why, right down to the chemical level. And if its not? I’ll still know exactly why, and maybe save myself some money while I’m at it.

So I had no idea what moisturizers to try, but it turns out there is a place called Sephora , and in the very back of this mystical place there is a giant computer that knows all, the Skincare IQ Computer. I told HAL 9000 the Computer that I wanted a moisturizer, that I had the “combination” skins, and that my primary concerns were Acne/Blemishes and Oiliness. I actually tried several different things in combination with “Acne/Blemishes” and it pretty much kept returning the same results. It then printed them on a little slip of paper and the nice Sephora Skincare IQ Computer slave Lady gave me free samples! I also purchased the Sephora Favorites Customized Skincare Favorites Bag that got me 2 more moisturizers to try, along with 3 other “deluxe size” samples and a cool bag for $25. I was pleased.

So that leaves us with 4 contestants! I’ll most likely be adding more as I find ones to try and rule others out. I am going to closely analyze how each effects my skin as well as break down their ingredients to see if they are really all they’re cracked up to be and maybe even try to find some dupes. Without any further adoo – here they are:

1. Fresh – Rose Hydrating Gel Cream : A daily moisturizer proven to provide up to 24 hours of significant hydration.

2. Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion+ : A luxurious moisturizer that promotes smooth, healthy-looking skin.

3. Kate Somerville Oil Free Moisturizer : An antiaging hydrator for combination and oily skin.

4. Dr. Dennis Gross SkincareHydra-Pure® Oil-Free Moisture with Chelating Complex™ : A lightweight, oil-free moisturizer with an exclusive Chelating Complex.

Let the battle begin!